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Why did Silda Spitzer stand by her man?

By Lauren Johnston and Marlene Naanes | lauren.johnston@am-ny.com and MNaanes@am-ny.com

March 12, 2008

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer holds a news conference in New York City with his wife Silda by his side on March 10 2008 after it was announced that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. (TIMOTHY A. CLARY, AFP/Getty Images / March 10, 2008)

She has become a familiar figure, the dutiful politician's wife who stands stoic - or perhaps shell-shocked - beside her husband as he confesses a sexual transgression to the American public.

Recent examples include, Dina McGreevey, Suzanne Craig, Hillary Clinton and, now of course, Silda Wall Spitzer, who stood next to husband Gov. Eliot Spitzer on Monday as he gave a statement after being linked to a high-priced escort service. So why do they stand by their men? Experts say there's more to it than marriage vows.

"In a way, what you have up there is not someone standing by her man, but by her state," said Marie Wilson, founder of the non-profit group The White House Project, which works to build civic leadership roles for women. "This happened with Hillary Clinton when she stood by Bill Clinton. Silda is doing the same thing."

"By her standing up there, she's saying, 'Don't be so hard on him. He's a human being and he's a good person,'" said Brenda Shoshanna, a relationship counselor.

In fact, relationship experts said, couples in politics discuss and negotiate how they'd handle scandal well before exchanging rings.

"Many wives made the decision on what to do," said Renana Brooks, a psychologist who has worked with politicians' families. "They're already believing in the bigger cause and putting up with absences and unavailability that are unimaginable to the rest of us."

That's not to say the experience isn't difficult and likely humiliating.

Anne-Renee Testa, a psychologist and author of the book "The Bully in Your Relationship," said Silda Spitzer's body language told another side of the story.

"I was looking at her face and she seemed so demoralized. Her eyelids were at half-mast, there was a sense of loss," Testa said.

How long a woman stays in the relationship is a tougher decision, the experts said. She has to weigh whether working through a public betrayal -- especially an illegal one that puts the family at risk -- is worth it. Slida Spitzer will likely need a lot of time and counseling, from loved ones and professionals, to decide what is right for her and her children, according to psychologists.

"What Spitzer did was devastating to their relationship because it was public, because it was illegal, because it was adultery," said Sari Locker, a sex educator and psychologist.