Kelly Anderson:
“Dating in New York is what dreams are made of!” she said an octave too high and through a smile too forced. Yes, NYC has many benefits when it comes to dating, but let’s have a bonding moment and focus on our shared struggles. These struggles, however minor they may seem, are very real and at any time can prompt a group of women to cry out, “OH MY GOSH, but really…” in complete agreement.
He’s embarrassed to tell his friends he met you on Tinder
PSA: If you’re using an online dating app, you’re horrible. If you’re not using an online dating app, you’re lying. We all live in New York; we all use dating apps. Let’s embrace our horribleness together.
TFW you first lock eyes with his twin size bed
The combined feeling of disappointment and second-hand embarrassment is the number one cause of Mood Killer, followed by lack of A/C. Please seek medical attention immediately AKA leave.
He’s really cute but he refuses to go above 14th Street
I’m sorry, is there a force field of some kind keeping you confined to the LES? Are you physically incapable of such feats? No, I didn’t think so… let’s keep walking. Maybe next week we’ll try Brooklyn!
His doorman is nicer to you than he is
Sure, his view of Central Park is so beautiful it actually breaks your heart, sonnet-worthy really, but if the doorman is the first person that night to ask how you’re doing, Instagram a sunset picture and then move on.
Having to avoid certain neighborhoods/bars/subway lines after a breakup
You should always assume that you are going to run into an ex or past hookup when venturing into areas you both frequent. My advice? Always look good. This is convenient because, duh, you always look good. Him on the other hand…
His startup is one funding round away from “disrupting” the sharing economy
I’m all about goals, aspirations and following your dreams, but if our first date turns into a business pitch I will charge the most expensive drink to your bar tab and then leave. Oh, I’m sorry, you said it was like Uber for X? Well, that changes everything…
He’s vegan
That’s it. That’s my joke.
Matthew Hogan:
New York City is one of the greatest cities in the world and, therefore, one of the greatest cities to date in. There are endless resources as far as date spots and, in my case, women. Much like any great city, NYC does have its problems: A half-wit mayor (personal opinion), constant foot and vehicle traffic, and the smell of urine every couple of blocks in midtown. Like the city itself, dating for a guy like me also has its #NYCproblems.
She doesn’t appreciate your neighborhood
I live in Hell’s Kitchen. The bar and restaurant scene is underrated and surprisingly fun. However, most girls I go out with want to go out in the West Village or somewhere on that damn east side that I hate schlepping to so often. Getting crosstown any day, ever, is always an awful experience. West side, represent!
She’s from out of town
I’m not kidding when I say out of all the dates I’ve been on, just TWO of the girls have lived in Manhattan like myself. Most live on Long Island or that giant cesspool we call “New Jersey.” It’d be nice to go out with a few more girls who actually live in NYC.
She dragged you to New Jersey for nothing
Speaking of Jersey, I had the privilege of going across the river once for a date in Bro-boken. I enjoy going to Jersey like I enjoy being pepper sprayed — not that I would know what that feels like twice. Not only did I pay for everything on my Hoboken date, but, despite my travels, I got absolutely no action. (For the record, I’ve never actually been pepper sprayed.)
She goes into hiding all winter
It’s nearly impossible to try and get a girl to go out in the winter in NYC. “It’s so cold!” “Ugh, there’s so much snow outside!” “But I’m watching Netflix under my blanket!” “There are so many white walkers!” Last one was a “Game of Thrones” reference, and more valid than any of the other three. You’re meeting me for free drinks — stop acting like hell has frozen over.
She uses you for a free cab ride
I hate taxis more than anything. If I can walk or take the subway, that’s what I do. But when I’m on dates, I pay for a taxi, because that’s what most girls like. However, if I pay for a taxi back to your apartment at the end of the night, like a shady massage parlor in Hell’s Kitchen, there better be a happy ending for me … if you know what I mean.
Your friends show up and ruin everything
NYC might be a big place, but when you have as many friends as I do, you’re bound to run into them while you’re out. This happened once to me, and my friend did not realize that I was on a date. When she blurted out, “I love your Tinder column!” I had a lot of explaining to do. That one didn’t end well for me.
Head to amNY.com/dating every Friday, as Matthew and Kelly take on the realities of dating in NYC from both sexes’ points of view. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email them at amnydating@gmail.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.
