BY MAX BURBANK (maxburbank.wordpress.com)
WHY IS SANTA SUCH A JERK?
I’m going to say bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he’s a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Claus to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose birth defect. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It’s not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?
Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after reindeer practice. He has adventures with Hermey and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and Clarice. The near-adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone’s gone looking for him. We know it’s been less than a year because Santa says he can’t fly the team without Rudolph’s dad, but it sure has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable Snow Monster’s cave. Just in time to stop him from eating the oddly provocative Clarice!
How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Were mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It’s just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches credulity. I’m forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys, there’s an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day.
WHY DOESN’T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?
You can do that, you know. Have your name changed.
WHY DOESN’T THE JELLY-SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?
I mean, it’s not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems.
