BY MAJA CASTILLO, MD (of Tribeca Pediatrics) | For children, the holiday season is a cherished time of year. Irrespective of cultural background, most of us have fond memories of holiday gatherings with extended family, school parties or specific religious services (like midnight mass or lighting the Chanukah candles). As gay adults, we may have moved away from some of our childhood traditions and created our own. Differences with family members over sexual orientation can estrange us from extended family or even immediate family members. Feelings of religious intolerance for the gay lifestyle can distance us from our childhood church or faith.
As much as we may have felt confident in our adult decisions about religion and family, becoming a parent has a funny way of making one rethink those decisions — especially around the holidays. I think this can happen to many people as they move into parenthood, not just gay parents.
Whether because of potential conflict or maybe just because the Bahamas seems more appealing, many people buck the tradition of the family gathering. However, when children become part of the equation, we become nostalgic about our childhood…the joy of having out of town cousins staying with us, grandparents cooking and hugging us and the smell of the holiday feasts.
We want our children to know where we came from and, by extension, where they came from (whether they are biological or adoptive children). In families where being gay creates conflict, it can be hard to decide which is the right course of action — attending family gatherings where they may have negative experiences or opting out of family tradition to avoid conflict.
Even psychologists give differing advice. In “The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide,” author Arlene Istar Lev asserts, “I will take a firm stance and say that it is not healthy for us as LGBT people, nor healthy for our families, to be cut off from our families of origin or to have our identities and experiences silenced within the larger family.”
Conversely, in “For Lesbian Parents,” authors Suzzane Johnson and Elizabeth O’Connor think it’s better to not expose children to negative situations and cut ties for the parents’ own emotional well being: “You may, in fact, have to cut off contact with someone who cannot refrain from making hurtful, negative remarks to you. Your children should not be around such a person, and your children come first.”
I think these have to be very individual decisions that each family makes based on what is best for that family. However, it helps to take into account that children will not benefit from seeing their parents mistreated or excluded by family members. All families can expect minor conflicts to arise at family gatherings, but there are situations that are more serious.
If a life partner or gay spouse is not invited to a gathering — or is likely to be ignored or treated as an outsider — it may be better to decline the invitation. If parents know they will have a tendency to project a closed or embarrassed attitude, or won’t be able to respond to negative comments made, they should think twice about attending the event. Children want to see their parents as strong and united and proud of whoever they are.
Religion is another area that can create conflict around the holidays. Even if we’ve gotten out of the habit of regular religious practice, we want our children to understand some of the story behind the holiday traditions. It can be hard to shed negative feelings about religion if you’ve been excommunicated from your church or estranged from your family over religious beliefs. However, the good news is there are so many welcoming religious communities in the United States and especially in New York City. Long before I moved to New York City, I heard (mostly from straight friends) that the Congregation Beit Simchat Torah (cbst.org) is the place to be for the high holidays. The Metropolitan Community Church (mccny.org), right here in Chelsea, is a specifically LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) church. If you want your children to feel celebrated as a gay family in a community of other gay families, there are many other churches with inclusive policies. You can search on gaychurch.org for a church near you.
Gay families are not alone in this struggle between maintaining long-standing family traditions and creating their own new traditions. No matter how your family decides to celebrate, the most important part is that your family shares quality time together and your children learn that it is a season of joy and inclusiveness to be shared with those closest to you — whoever they may be.
