Friday is President Donald Trump’s 73rd birthday.
Have you gotten him a gift yet? No? Good! Because I hear from an impeccably unreliable source that Trump has soured on presents since Queen Elizabeth gifted him a (ugh!) book. So instead of presents, the president has requested original poems singing his praises this year from those closest to him. I’ve gotten a sneak peek at a few. Here you go.
Ivanka Trump
Happy birthday, daddy dear,
Thanks from your favorite child.
Since you’ve become the president
My bank account’s gone wild!
Jared Kushner
Happy birthday, dad-in-law,
You know I’m always true.
How do we get along so well?
My dad was just like you!
Kim Jung Un
You’re the greatest man who ever lived!
The stablest genius known!
Does flattery work well on you?
Does the pope still live in Rome?
Stormy Daniels
Happy birthday, my orange hon!
Remember our great night of fun?
Oh you’ve forgotten now, I’m told.
Guess that happens when you get old.
Vladimir Putin
Happy birthday, comrade!
I mean, my favorite guy.
The way you do just what
I want, it almost makes me cry!
Melania Trump
All that you have done for me,
I cannot count the ways.
How long ’til this is over?
About 500 days!
Donald Trump Jr
You are indeed a special dad,
That’s something I well know.
But now they may indict me.
Hey pops, where did you go?
Kelly Anne Conway
Happy birthday to my boss!
Your critics are all hacks.
So sorry that my husband, George,
is the leader of the pack!
George Conway
You don’t know what you’re doing!
The White House is a mess!
Where do I get my info?
Hmm, can you take a guess?
Robert Mueller
I’m not saying you’re not guilty,
I’m not saying you’re a crook.
I’m not saying much of anything,
’Cause soon I’ll have a book!
George W. Bush
Happy birthday, Donald.
Enjoy, I think you should.
I’m grateful you’re the president.
You’re making me look good!
Nancy Pelosi
They want me to impeach you
but I think it’s a trap.
So, I’ll celebrate my usual way.
Donald, here’s your clap.
Follow playwright Mike Vogel at @mikewrite7.
